I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve written a blog, but it’s been so busy that it’s been the last thing on my list! I decided today that I would just sit down and write and see what comes out.

Jake, an honorary Jamaican for the day.

I was going to write a blog about attending the West Indies Parade a few weeks ago in Brooklyn. About how the boys felt a little uncomfortable in the beginning because they were not used to being around such a large group of people (2 million!), having moved from rural NH. About how they warmed up once the parade started and tried new foods (even liked them!). I wanted to write about how Jake decided to become a honorary Jamaican for the day, donning the Jamaican flag and hat and about how Duke wasn’t ready to make that commitment to any country.  About how bad my geography sucks because I wanted to be an honorary Dominican for the day – in tribute to my former students – but was informed that they aren’t part of the West Indies.  About the kindness of the people from Antigua – who stood next to us on the parade route.  About my mother – who has never been to the city before – mixing it up and dancing with locals. Drinking pink lemonade out of a Tupperware bowl, waving at Mayor Bloomberg, getting a free hug from a man walking by with a poster offering his services, and wishing I had brought earplugs.

But instead, all I’ve been able to think about are the kids. My two teenage boys are driving me crazy.  Duke is too busy trying to fit in at his new school to be the kind of student I know he can be.  Jake is too busy being a jock to be the student I know he can be.  It also kills me that they both aren’t into reading. As an English teacher, it’s so hard to watch.

They also haven’t stopped fighting with each other. This is especially annoying since they have their own rooms now. One solution that they’ve brought up is that one can go live with their dad.  But I have some problems with that. First, if we weren’t divorced, they’d HAVE to live together, right?  Also, I don’t think it teaches them how to resolve issues.  Instead, it teaches them that they can run away from troubles.  I also worry that they won’t be as close if they don’t live together. I’m not especially close to my brother and I wonder if that’s one of the reasons why. Then, there’s deciding who goes where. What parent wants to make that choice?  OK, it’s not Sophie’s Choice, but difficult still.  My ex husband doesn’t live in an especially good school district, either, which doesn’t help. Besides, if they didn’t live together they wouldn’t be able to watch NCIS on a continuous loops all day long (mental note: cancel cable).

In addition to this chaos, the baby has discovered her choppers, and bites everyone and everything in her way. Today, she was chewing on the toilet bowl brush. Gross. Are you supposed to disinfect them or something after that?  And Lulu is going through the terrible twos. I truly must have forgotten just how awful they were. Otherwise, there’s no way in hell I would have gone through that again!  For example, this morning I was trying to clean the house (rare, I know) and while I was vacuuming in one room, she was dumping salt, instant mashed potatoes (yes, I use them), and parsley all over the kitchen floor I just swept and mopped.  A better mom would have used that as a learning experience to teach her about textures and spices or foods and colors. But I’m not a better mother.

In fact, I have been struggling lately with being a mom.  Some days, I feel the urge to go back to work. It’s not just for the paycheck. Or for the adult conversation. Sometimes I feel the need for some freedom from motherhood. Doesn’t that sound awful? I love all my children, but now I remember why I went back to work when the boys were born. It was partially for the money and benefits, but also the fact that I couldn’t handle staying at home all the time.

Right now, I’ve got a part time gig working as an educational consultant and I do some freelance writing on the side, so it’s somewhat ideal. But every time I get a call to work an extra day or an offer to work full-time, I feel that nagging pull and think seriously about it! For now, though, I’ll just keep looking at those photos and videos I take when the kids are being cute, put them in their rooms when they’re not, and hire someone to clean every other week.  It’s the best I got!

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